Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
