twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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