its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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