You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
