I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
