I could make wine with my vomit
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Are these your boobs on my camera?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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