did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
