I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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