I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
