I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
