pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
