My girlfriend figured out who you are.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
