i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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