It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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