I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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