Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
