i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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