Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
