just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
