can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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