Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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