watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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