apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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