so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
