Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She even gives head with a lisp.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
