So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
