your thong is hanging out like whoa
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
