she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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