I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
