At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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