my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
