I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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