I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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