you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
