when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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