i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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