There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you traded sex for a burrito?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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