he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
