I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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