Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
