this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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