I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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