peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish i was in the wii world.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
