Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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