The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
