Say something about gay babies.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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