I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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