I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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