Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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