Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
