What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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