The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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