He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it's like heaven, but drunker
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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