I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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