I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
